When I was a little boy we’d go down to the farm
Granny’d say to Grandpa, “Get that churn down from the barn”
Crankin’ on that handle, now and then he’d turn and spit
And tell me homemade ice cream always tastes like shit

Homemade ice cream always tastes like shit
Homemade ice cream always tastes like shit
I don’t know why everybody goes on about it
Homemade ice cream always tastes like shit

Granny cooked fried chicken, was the best I ever ate
Aunt Imogene’s cream gravy made you want to lick the plate
Cousin Connie’s cobbler was like something from a dream
Then Grandpa’d stand and ask, “Who wants some shitty homemade ice cream?”

Homemade ice cream always tastes like shit
Homemade ice cream always tastes like shit
She knows I like the storebought kind, why don’t she just buy it?
Homemade ice cream always tastes like shit

Get fifty pounds of rock salt, the same amount of ice
Half a ton of sugar, son, swat them dadburn flies
Pour that cream amongst it, looks like I’ll miss my nap
Makin’ homemade ice cream, I ‘d rather eat a bowl of crap

Homemade ice cream always tastes like shit
Homemade ice cream always tastes like shit
Half of it is slop and the other half is grit
Homemade ice cream always tastes like shit

Grandpa died when I was ten, watching the Magnavox
His will said, “Don’t you bury me in no durn pinewood box!
If I’m going to hell anyway, might as well just let me burn
And you can keep my ashes in that goddamn ice cream churn!”

Homemade ice cream always tastes like shit
Homemade ice cream always tastes like shit
At least I know there won’t be none down in that fiery pit
Homemade ice cream always tastes like shit