Standing in the drugstore in the toiletries aisle
There’s 87 kinds of shaving cream
One whole side stretches on for a mile
With 87 kinds of shaving cream

Do I want foam, do I want gel?
How in the world am I supposed to tell?
Should I go home or head straight to hell?
With 87 kinds of shaving cream

Do I have sensitive skin, do I need aloe?
There’s 87 kinds of shaving cream
It’s actually kind of puffy, pitted and sallow
There’s 87 kinds of shaving cream

Things have gotten so much worse than I feared
Maybe I’ll just give up and grow a beard
I gotta confess my mind ain’t geared
For 87 kinds of shaving cream

I’m special, unique, commercials say
They give me 87 kinds of shaving cream
If it’s perfection you seek, you can buy it today
With 87 kinds of shaving cream

This one’s  made from volcanic cinders
This one’s specially engineered for bartenders
I  just need one that’ll  stick to car windows
There’s 87 kinds of shaving cream

Do you want to change your beard from the one you got?
There’s 87 kinds of  shaving cream
Do you have a tough beard?  (Well, compared to what?)
There’s 87 kinds of shaving cream

All I ever really wanted in life
Were my two kids and my one loving wife
Now they want to throw in a Ginzu knife
With my 87 kinds of shaving cream

I can still remember a time
When there was just one kind of shaving cream
And my dad’s beard didn’t look no worse than mine
With just one kind of shaving cream